A Moment of Creative Restraint

Here’s a confession, and a moment of vulnerability:  I am currently living in a moment of creative restraint. I wouldn’t necessarily say I am in a slump, but rather holding myself and anything creative I do at such high self scrutiny, to the point I am restraining myself from even attempting anything as a creative release. I am very much a perfectionist in a lot of instances. But this often holds me back – a lot – to the point where I fear starting something in case it doesn’t turn out the way I initially wanted. Often, I find myself protecting my inner peace but neglecting creativity. My mind is constantly racing with ideas for projects I am desperate to start. If I were to self-analyse, I add pressure to myself and create non existing pressure as well. In everything I do, I want to make my friends proud. I know I always have their support and that they always have mine. They are constantly making me proud of all that they do, I feel the need to make them just as proud of me as I am of them. I have received so much praise from them for certain projects and achievements, I feel the need to keep adding to that. I will forever be grateful for all the support, praise and love – but I need to get out of my head. 

I guess my biggest hang up would be vulnerability. With any creative outlet, I believe you have that soul attachment to anything you create; whether it is dance choreography, music, painting, writing, anything. When labelling yourself as a creative person, you are showing such a big part of what makes you, you. What makes it somewhat scarier is that in a digital age, ANYONE can view our craft. People are going viral for the smallest things and it is more often than not, completely random. This in turn, strips you as the sole owner of anything produced, as so many people have access to your work (I didn’t mean for this to sound as though we are creating a horcrux in each creative piece, but sure, that exaggeration works). Many people I have spoken with have expressed this need to appease an audience, and by so they lose the love they once had for their craft. Especially in this current situation of a world in lockdown, we are taught to monetise our talents, or to “start your own business” which again is encouraging as “wow you think I am good enough to achieve that?” But also leaves you questioning if you actually are?!

But with this realisation, I let out the biggest sigh. (and this very much contradicts the vibe I have just layed out) but with a calm exhale I say, “who cares?” My creativity grants me freedom. I create for my own release. I can take on board all of the restraints I attached to myself and acknowledge that they are only self made chains, and I have the key. You can’t achieve much in the prison of your own head, you are only going to grow in your craft as much as you allow yourself to. One of my all time favourite movies, is Tim Burton’s Big Fish, and as much as I could talk about this film for years and years, there is one quote that is sticking with me through this thought process:

“Kept in a small bowl, the goldfish will remain small. With more space the fish will grow double, triple, or quadruple its size” It occurred to me then that perhaps the reason for my growth was that I was intended for larger things.

So if I, along with so many others who may resonate with this, got out of my own goddamn head, just think of all that I could achieve. No more self-limiting beliefs – only progression.